My second entry in an intermittent series of flashbacks to old journal entires. This one finds me at Christmas break, age twenty-one, in my junior year of college. The previous fall I had gone though a bad breakup, and was still recovering months later.
January 7, 2003
Christmas break has been enjoyable, if boring at most times. I’ve spent time with Becky, Jeff, Tom, and my family, which I miss at school. Becky’s visit went by in a breeze and it seemed that she was only here for a couple of days. Jeff and I have seen each other quite a bit, and we always seem to miss each other more than we think. He’s a great friend, my best friend, and as the breaks have ended, I’ve always been sad to leave him on his way. He knows me well, like most of my friends at school, but Becky and him know my history, unlike the others at school. As always, I promise myself that I’ll keep in better touch with him while I’m at school.
My attitude towards girls is changing. While I’m lonely here at home, I think those feelings will change once I get back to school and get busy. I definitely don’t want a serious relationship now. I’d like to just date, but I worry that I’d give off the wrong idea and hurt someone’s feelings. It seems that most girls want a serious relationship or nothing at all, rather than just a date, a kiss, and that’s all. Between all or nothing, I’ll take nothing–for now. However, I intend to keep my eyes open. If the right girl comes along, I’ll jump at the chance to be with her. So I’m not really looking, but if a girl comes along I’m up for it.
I wonder what the new semester will bring. I hope it’s just as fun as the last one. There’ll be drinking and girls and adventure I’m sure.
I still go for walks every night here at home. I talk to myself a lot, mostly about friends and where my life is going, where I may end up. I feel alone out there and safe enough to keep my thoughts private as I speak them aloud. I’ve done it nearly every night that I’m home on break, and it’s something that I’ve done since I moved into this neighborhood in 1994. I got into the habit of it in the falls and winters in high school and now it’s a regular part of my routine here at home. It helps me clear my head and gives me some time alone. I talk to myself a lot–always have–and I enjoy doing it as I enjoy the night. Tom used to go on them too, for the same reasons, I think.
The year 2003 was good to me. I ended up meeting some girls, having fun at school, and earning good grades. In the summer, I followed the Chicago Cubs in their most ill-fated of seasons. And I kept in touch with my friends.
I still go for walks.